Harvard Lampoon

I was a writer at The Harvard Lampoon. I wrote comedy and satire for the magazine and a few parodies. Have a chuckle at some of my favorite pieces below.

[Beep boop] Hello, this is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight 000 to nowhere, now departing. We thank you for choosing Aeroscraft Airships & Blimps© and for not rocking the ship [chuckle].

This will be a nonstop flight in that it will never stop. For those folks still thinking our final destination is Phoenix, please, think again. There is no destination for a lighter-than-air ship, no destination but the sky. Beginning our approach now.

This will be our private island of the skies, a veritable floating paradise. For those who do not want part in our utopia, please locate the rope beneath your seat. Ascent is happening fairly slowly, and from the bottom of the rope you’re looking at worst a ten mmmmmmm twenty foot drop. But of course as more people descend, the faster we climb.

Looks like we’re running into a bit of turbulence. We’re just going to go with it. That’s just how airships work, folks. Honestly, I’m not sure if I could have taken you all to Phoenix if I tried.

While we drift, let’s talk politics. Hopefully we’ll be over international waters soon. The United States doesn’t own the waters, but they sure do own the skies. Personally, I don’t believe in ownership, but that’s just the way of the world.

My forecast shows a lot of fishing in the future. It’s not easy finding fishing line five miles long, but I did it. For dessert, sweet freedom. If you need to use the bathroom, please lift the hatch. Men, I’m looking at you [long chuckle]. Just teasing you folks—I’m the only man on this flight. But everyone will need to lift the hatch.

Once we reach a good cruising altitude, I’m stepping down as captain. The sky has no hierarchy, and I couldn’t manage a revolt. Not to worry, I’m not doing much to pilot this ship anyway. It’s a balloon—it does what it wants.

This is going to be a real experiment in self-determination, the first truly isolated and independent modern society. I don’t know about you folks, but I’m real excited to see what we build. If we’re successful, we’ll show the world the first truly egalitarian and collaborative [cuts out] [cuts in] [scuffle] [groan] [grunt] [cuts out]. 

[Beep boop] Hello, this is your dictator speaking. Please remain in your seats for the duration of the flight and do not speak unless spoken to.

– Tell me we finally nailed the bastard.
– The mission was unsuccessful.
– Shit, a dud, eh?
– The cigar did explode—
– Woo-eee! In his mouth?
– Yes, however Castro suffered no injuries.
– But... was he scared?
– I... think so?
– (chuckling) How scared?
– I mean, you should have seen the look on his face.
– Do it!
– It was like (makes finger mustache, scrunches face).
– (laughing) Yeah, that’s it!
– (chuckling) I wasn’t going to say, but I think he urinated himself.
– (gasping for air) He… pissed… himself?!
– (laughing now too) Yes, Mr. President, he sure did.
– Get Havana on the phone! He’s never going to hear the end of this.
– Yes, Mr. President. Havana on line one.

– (picks up phone, springy snakes jump everywhere) CASTROOOOO!

Hello and welcome to the Wimbledon Cube, home of the newest sport, Chunk Tennis. I’ll be your commentator, lineman, and The Cube boy for the afternoon.

Chunk Tennis is as simple as it sounds. Instead of tennis balls, our competitors will be using The Cube, which is objectively more erratic.

Scientists say it is improbable that a normal cube could bounce, but this is The Cube, and they know nothing. They are too scared to look at it. I am scared but also feel respect and fellowship. Let’s get a player’s perspective on The Cube. Neither player will look at me, but I think that says it all.

The Cube is so sharp that it could easily slice through a carbon fiber tennis racket. Luckily those know-nothing scientists have developed a titanium tennis mallet. This is one of the only things The Cube will not slice through.

One second, player one hit a practice volley into the stands, and I need to retrieve The Cube and ensure that it has come to no harm. Nice work!

Feeling The Cube, it is fuzzy and indeed sharp. It is a good sharp. No one remembers where The Cube came from or why we use it, but it is beautiful, or it would be if you looked directly at it. You can look directly at it, but you will not be able to look away. You may think you will be able to look away, but you won’t. All Chunk Tennis players have looked at The Cube.

Let’s go over some of the last few tweaks to the traditional rules. There are no lines, and players get two bounces to hit The Cube, but this is inadvisable.

Fans, eyes off The Cube, lower your facemasks. Let’s Chunk!

Former Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer ‘77, alumnus of our very own, The Harvard Crimson, visited the University yesterday to pledge, “at least $45 to whoever can make [him] a computer that looks like a basketball.”

As explanation Ballmer only offered, “That’s right, it has to be orange and everything,” adding after a beat, “and the sooner, the better.” Ballmer then stomped back and forth furiously, pulling proverbial hairs from his head.

This comes only weeks after Ballmer gifted the University enough money to fund twelve new professorships in the Computer Science department. When asked about the wide differential between his previous donation and his upcoming one, Ballmer angrily interrupted, “Money and amounts of it mean nothing to me. I love computers. I love basketballs.”

During his visit, Ballmer paused momentarily from smashing chairs to politely ask, “How hard could it be? I don’t know.” Ballmer acknowledged to having a sense that $45 is somewhere in the low range, “but we’re going to want to make a lot of these things.”

University officials have done their best to sidestep asking Ballmer the motivation for his donation/competition, hoping he would stop taunting the Charles River geese and move on. However, Ballmer offered up some of his own reasons, claiming that this “bold move” will make computers “cool again.”

Later, Ballmer speculated on how the Clippers would react, “The guys are going to be thrilled when they see this. Or actually hopefully not. Hopefully they won’t be able to tell the difference—if it’s done right.” He paused from pushing pedestrians into traffic to contemplate, “But I’ll tell them eventually, and then they will be stoked.”

By the middle of the afternoon, Ballmer finally ran out of energy and sat down for some last thoughts: “If it doesn’t work, I’m out forty-five dollars. I could have used that money for something, but hopefully, that something will be a computer that looks like a basketball. If that means no screen, that’s fine. if that means it’s all a screen, great. But it has to bounce. It really needs to bounce.”

President Barack Obama has shown he’s serious about his Senate prediction by putting some real money on the outcome of November’s election.

In an interview with 60 Minutes, President Obama said he has no doubt that the Democrats will hold the Senate. Host Steve Kroft pointed out that every reputable forecaster is leaning Republican. The president doubled down.

“You think I’m not serious?” the President asked host Steve Kroft. “Well, let me ask you something, Steve: how about we make this interesting?”

Kroft requested that they set aside the posturing, but the president refused to put away his wallet.

“Five, six, seven, eight biggie-bigs here,” said the president brandishing eight hundred-dollar bills. “And half of the White House operating budget.”

“No need to call on that last part, Steve,” the President taunted.

Kroft hesitated just long enough for the President to make a mock-whimper sound and then took the bet in a controversial move for which no one could blame him. After he accepted, Kroft shook the President’s hand, smiled, and stumbled offscreen.

Responses to President Obama’s decision have been more mixed.

“I like his conviction,” one Huffington Post Live contributor commented.

“I’m not sure if it’s worth eight hundred dollars,” offered another contributor, “but I like it.”

Some correspondents have predicted that this could be the most lively Senate election yet, with the President and Steve battling it out on the campaign trail.

Obama seemed pleased with his decision. “I wanted to show everyone that I still believe in things,” remarked the President. “And I can’t wait to collect Steve’s cool eight hundred.”